a late night diary entry


I want to do a life detox of sorts. I want to go back to the basics, break everything down to a chewable size, cleanse the toxins in my life, in my mind. I know what I need to do to improve my life internally. I just have to get down and fucking do it right here, right now. So where to start? Well, let’s look at the problem first.

I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder years ago. When I found this out, I never really dug deeper into the causes or the symptoms. I just took my therapist’s word for it and kept going to therapy. Ironically, when I stopped going to therapy consistently, years ago, I started to dig more and more into it and realized how this disorder is the root cause of most, if not all of my other issues with depression, sugar addiction and overall lack of focus at times. A part of me wanted to go back to therapy once I realized how much it plagued me in so many areas. I didn’t feel strong enough to handle it on my own. Unfortunately, I am unable to go to therapy at the moment but I have a strong inkling on what my next steps need to be anyway in order to get a greater handle on this problem. If I make those moves and still feel I need further help, then I'll figure out a way to go to therapy for sure.

Recently, I was faced with my anxiety disorder when I had to make a huge decision about my future. This major decision was going to dramatically change the path for this year. Whenever I am faced with something like this, my anxiety goes through the roof to the point where depression pokes up and says hi and my lack of focus is prominent in my day to day. I frankly get lazy and unmotivated to do anything about it. I usually want to run away and hide somewhere else but of course, life will only allow for so much escapism so I had to make a choice and I had to make it now. I thought about it way too much, prayed about it, meditated on it, talked about it with a family member and friend and finally made the decision tonight. It was extremely difficult but I know, deep down, this decision was the one I always wanted to make but was too scared to do in fear of what others may think because the other option sounded so good whenever I mentioned it to family and friends but my excitement wasn't really authentic. I secretly tried to build up my enthusiasm for this opportunity in hopes that I would feel genuinely aligned with it but that feeling never fully came into being and I had to make the very hard decision to go with my gut and say no to what most would say was a golden opportunity. At first, I thought "Maybe my anxiety is causing me to not to feel excited about this" but I realized that before the anxiety even really came up, this funny feeling was always there tickling my thoughts ever so delicately, pretty much whispering to me "This is not what you really want to do, is it?"

I had to search deeply and ask myself "Why did I want to make such a huge change in my life in the first place?" Partly, it was because I felt desperate for a solution to my external problem and I looked outward for guidance, thanks to one of my dearest friends who suggested the great idea in the first place. He meant well and was a very instrumental part of why I went as far as I did with the idea. I think somewhere in my subconscious mind, I thought that if I made a drastic move, my anxiety would calm way down and my life would be so much better. Basically, my unhappiness would disappear when I move to a new location and start a new career. Now, I knew that wasn't true but I didn't know that was my internal thought at the time and that I was essentially repeating a pattern that I thought I learned from in the past. There is nothing wrong with wanting to make changes in one's life but to try to escape your issues by physically changing your scenery never works out, at least not for me. In fact, it only makes my anxiety intensify greatly and in this case, my anxiety was building up even before making the move. So I had to dive even deeper and look at what the real issue was that was causing me to feel inadequate, unfulfilled and not happy. The real issue wasn't my current position in my life but was actually my anxiety and I have to deal with that first because I can move to the most exotic locations on this planet but if my mind is jaded then my perception will never be clear and I will find the negative in my surroundings no matter what.

So instead of searching externally for the solution and leaving, I decided to stay put with the clear intentions of having peace of mind right here, right now. I realized that I have certain triggers that boost my anxiety so I have been making mental notes of those triggers and finding simple remedies on how to heal and/or handle those triggers in a more healthy way. I am relieved and actually genuinely excited about doing a life detox and making the changes from the inside out. It will always be a process for me and definitely a challenge but I am determined to master this process in order to live in a peaceful mind state no matter what is going on around me.

Furthermore, literally right before I made my final decision, I heard the message intuitively that no matter what, I was fully supported. There was no wrong decision. The Universe would work with me. I was still so nervous about making the decision official so I went on Facebook right afterward (again, trying to escape from my issue) and immediately, the video below popped up on my timeline which was obviously not a coincidence. It only validated the initial message I heard and have been hearing and sensing for the past few days now. I am so very thankful to God, the Universe, and my overall Spirit Community for always delivering the perfect message at the perfect time.

So I am basically sharing my current situation in hopes that you'll share your stories with me.

My question for all of you is: Have you ever had to make a life-altering decision? And did you ever go against the popular choice for your own peace of mind? How did you handle the backlash or was there any backlash at all? I am very interested in your stories so please share! Let's talk about it!