Yesterday, I cried.
Sometimes, sunny days are the toughest for me. I let the sun rays peek through the blinds, may even crack the window and allow some fresh air to come in to my room. However, now and then, I am too depressed to be engulfed in its luminance. It’s strange, really. The sun is supposed to raise vibrations and here I am, feeling insecure around its presence. I snuggle in the bed longer. I step outside of my 4-wall confines only when it’s absolutely necessary. I would prefer no one to see me, to notice me, to look into my telling eyes. Essentially, I want no one to know the pain I am holding deep inside because I'd never want to burden anyone. Also, at times, there is no rhyme or reason behind my emotions. They just exist inside of me and there's no easy way to get rid of them. They just live and the most loving thing I can do is allow them to breathe in the moment.
I wish I could logically explain anxiety and depression in words for everyone to understand. I can’t. At least, not right now. I am in the middle of one of those days...one of those super quiet days when raw emotions speak loudest. It’s rough but I can handle it. I’ve been here before plenty of times and have pulled through.
I will pull through.
And you will too.
Those of us who deal with mental illness are some of the most sensitive, beautiful human beings you can ever meet. I say this from a very humble place. We feel so boldly, so brilliantly that it’s hard for folks to handle - shit, it’s hard for us to handle. We are the bearers of the brokenness in this world and we hold the painful pieces in our hands delicately, hoping we don’t flounder them away into the abyss. Sadly, some of us do. And, we are reminded on how deeply those thoughts can go and pray that we are able to grasp the support that eludes us during those critical moments, trying our hardest to remember why we agreed to be here at this present time. We don’t know what 'normal' is and wonder if anyone truly upholds that title. Does it even exist? We don’t know because that’s not our experience. Nevertheless, if you think about it, our inner life is like a masterpiece with so many rich and muted colors swirling around in an abstract painting - I bet someone like Basquiat tried his hardest to express this in literal form.
To anyone out there who is going through any kind of mental health issue, please know your life is one of the most touching pieces God has ever produced and the constant swings downward are just as magnificent as the pleasant swings upward. That movement back and forth brings us closer to the essence of humanity and solidifies a sense of empathy for all, consciously and subconsciously. Whether you're swinging at an extreme speed or at a relatively steady pace, I pray that you please don’t stop swinging. Keep going. Keep digging your inner tunnel until you see light within and shine that little light as much as possible. The world needs it. We need you. Perhaps, one day the swing won't be pushed so hard and the motion will get to the point where we don't even realize we are swinging at all. What a day that would be. Until then, please remember...
You will pull through, my friend.
And I will too.