A Personal Note About Mental Health

“...the demons that you’ve been dreaming up are angels under the pain...”

— James Fauntleroy

Sometimes, sunny days are the toughest for me. I let the sun rays peek through the blinds, may even crack the window and allow some fresh air to come in to my room. However, now and then, I am too depressed to be engulfed in its luminance. It’s strange, really. The sun is supposed to raise vibrations and here I am, feeling insecure around its presence. I snuggle in the bed longer. I step outside of my 4-wall confines only when it’s absolutely necessary. I would prefer no one to see me, to notice me, to look into my telling eyes. Essentially, I want no one to know the pain I am holding deep inside because I'd never want to burden anyone. Also, at times, there is no rhyme or reason behind my emotions. They just exist inside of me and there's no easy way to get rid of them. They just live and the most loving thing I can do is allow them to breathe in the moment.

I wish I could logically explain anxiety and depression in words for everyone to understand. I can’t. At least, not right now. I am in the middle of one of those days...one of those super quiet days when raw emotions speak loudest. It’s rough but I can handle it. I’ve been here before plenty of times and have pulled through. 

I will pull through. 

And you will too. 

Those of us who deal with mental illness are some of the most sensitive, beautiful human beings you can ever meet. I say this from a very humble place. We feel so boldly, so brilliantly that it’s hard for folks to handle - shit, it’s hard for us to handle. We are the bearers of the brokenness in this world and we hold the painful pieces in our hands delicately, hoping we don’t flounder them away into the abyss. Sadly, some of us do. And, we are reminded on how deeply those thoughts can go and pray that we are able to grasp the support that eludes us during those critical moments, trying our hardest to remember why we agreed to be here at this present time. We don’t know what 'normal' is and wonder if anyone truly upholds that title. Does it even exist? We don’t know because that’s not our experience. Nevertheless, if you think about it, our inner life is like a masterpiece with so many rich and muted colors swirling around in an abstract painting - I bet someone like Basquiat tried his hardest to express this in literal form. 

To anyone out there who is going through any kind of mental health issue, please know your life is one of the most touching pieces God has ever produced and the constant swings downward are just as magnificent as the pleasant swings upward. That movement back and forth brings us closer to the essence of humanity and solidifies a sense of empathy for all, consciously and subconsciously.  Whether you're swinging at an extreme speed or at a relatively steady pace, I pray that you please don’t stop swinging. Keep going. Keep digging your inner tunnel until you see light within and shine that little light as much as possible. The world needs it. We need you. Perhaps, one day the swing won't be pushed so hard and the motion will get to the point where we don't even realize we are swinging at all. What a day that would be. Until then, please remember...

You will pull through, my friend. 

And I will too. 

Lucid

Cocaine 80s

A Magical Story About My Granddad

When I was 10 years old, my granddad passed away. I've never had a super close connection to him, but I do remember noticing, even at a young age, that he had a huge presence, which was intimidating for my little shy self. He was very well known around my hometown, Philadelphia, for his activism in the 1960s and 70s. Also, he was pretty popular across the country for his social work. He was so well loved by the community that I vaguely remember Philadelphia's first poet laureate, Sonia Sanchez performing her signature spoken word at his funeral. Since then, I've thought about him sometimes, curious about his life and what he is up to on the other side. I've also talked to him while in prayer whenever a family problem occurred and I'd like to think he helped mend some brokenness in my extended family as a result. However, I never really knew if he was actually there for me until one magical night many years after his passing.

I was in my late twenties, going through the motions of life. On this particular night, I was extremely vulnerable and emotional, crying profusely and praying for a hug. After a long night, I went to bed and had a dream that I'll never forget.

my granddad :)

I was on a crowded bus with some people that I apparently knew but in real life, I didn't know at all. There were many conversations happening around me but I was quiet, looking around, trying to figure out where I was exactly. Soon after, I got off the bus, unsure if it was the right stop. I realized my friends weren't with me so it must've been the wrong one but I kept walking anyway down this winding road that led to the most beautiful pathway I've ever seen. It was kind of like a golden alleyway between two gorgeous buildings that were literally covered with flowers. The flowers were nothing like I've ever seen while on Earth and the colors were so vivid, even their hues were unnoticeable to my human self.  Once I walked down this short magical pathway, I ended up at a mall in the basement lobby area. It actually reminded me of an actual mall in Philly, The Liberty Place. When I opened the door, I was greeted by one of my older co-workers who I actually do know in this life. We made a little small talk and then in mid-conversation, I looked over to see my granddad.

He had on a long black trench coat and I believe he had on a matching top hat as well if I remember correctly. I wish I could fully articulate how I felt when I saw him. I guess the closest I could compare it to is when you are a kid and you think you are not getting any Christmas presents but then you come down on Christmas day and you see all the gifts you wanted for the holidays. It was like that times ten. My heart was filled with so much love and I was just so damn excited to see him after so many years. I went right back to my 10-year-old self and said "Granddad!!!" and immediately hugged him.

It was the warmest hug ever.

After our lovely embrace, he joked about how young he looked compared to the last time I saw him. I must admit - my granddad was looking good out here in these heavenly streets. He was slimmer, had darker hair and lost all his wrinkles from the last time I saw him, similar to the picture above. We both laughed at his funny joke and then suddenly, I woke up.

With my eyes barely open, my mind began to race with happy thoughts and I felt much better than I did the night before. I truly believe my granddad made a special visit to give me what I prayed for - a hug and I am so thankful for the love he showed when I needed it the most. So I am sharing this story to let you know that the power of prayer is real and you never know who could be listening to answer it for you.

Now, I am curious if any of you guys have had similar supernatural/spiritual experiences like mines. If so, please share! I love reading stories like these.

that moment when you realize you and j. cole share the same controversial view of god

"See I believe if God is real, he'll never judge a manBecause he knows us all and therefore he would understand"

That's just a couple bars from J. Cole's latest album - 4 Your Eyez Only and I must say they are my favorite lines on the entire album. If you are a fan of his then you know he got plenty of bars to choose from but these few lyrics really resonate with me, not only because it is featured on one of my favorite songs, Change but also due to its deeper meaning. And when I heard this record for the first time, I realized that J. Cole and I share a very similar, if not the same, controversial view of God.

You see, there is a duality with everything in life. There's black and white, big and small, male and female, love and fear and I could go on and on with simple examples but I'm sure you get my point. There's even a duality with how we view God. Some people, who usually follow certain religious practices, view God as a vengeful being who will damn people to hell if they do not follow a certain righteous path. Others, like myself and J. Cole, believe in a more accepting God that loves unconditionally and would never judge any of his/her creation because he/she knows and understands all, even if we, mere mortals, have no idea why a person would do such a horrific action towards another. Granted, there is a lot of gray area in the middle but the majority of people have a tendency to lean towards one extreme or another. For J. Cole, he leans towards the second view of God, which ironically, is the more controversial belief in our society because it goes against many religious doctrines. In his new Eyez Documentary, that shows the making of his newest LP, Cole shows his strong alignment with this way of thinking, when someone tells him a crazy true story about a young man who, after a major blowup with his family, commits an unfathomable crime.

As you can see from the video clip, he truly follows the latter perspective of God, making him able to shift the scope, even in this extreme case, from the murderer being deemed as a "bad kid" to a "good kid" at heart who went down the wrong path due to issues and other major mishaps.  In addition, he believes everyone should really view others from this vantage point, no matter their race, which shows great compassion and unconditional love towards humanity. I also wouldn't be surprised, if this empathy stems from witnessing so many men and women who look like him being mistreated and prejudged due to a false narrative of being "bad" when really the narrative should've been about the institutional oppression that happens while being Black. If you think about it, this viewpoint could influence a positive shift in police brutality,  the prison system and mental health awareness. However, all of these drastic changes would have to start at the root - the Spirit and that may be the hardest aspect to change, leading us into a never-ending debate that will never get resolved anytime soon.

So in the meantime, I'll turn up J. Cole's song and remember that "Life is all about the evolution" and keep being open to the many layers of God, the Universe and what it all means, which leads me to you guys. Let's have a conversation about this. 

What are your thoughts on this duality with God? Is it possible to see a gray area? And how do you feel about J. Cole and I's stance on it all? Let's talk about it!

new age ideology can get you f@$%ed up

Before you start cursing me out and calling me a hypocrite, let me explain. I would be considered a member of the "new age" crew. I am spiritual but not religious. I love doing angel card readings for myself and friends. I would like to align my chakras, and I believe in the third eye. I am also all about positive vibes and raising frequencies. I listen to meditative music at night. I even think I may have had a kundalini awakening around the age of 25. And the list goes on and on. I mean those are the qualifications for that "new age" life right? By the way, I don't honestly think new age is really that new but that's another story for another day. To make it simple, I will embrace the new age tag on my spirituality. However, I find a certain segment of new age ideology very dangerous if it is not balanced with a dose of practicality.

In life, it is always best to balance yourself in all respects especially when it comes to your livelihood. I have seen the following so many times in so many ways: "Follow your passion. If you don't like your job, quit." My reaction is "Bish what?" I understand that jobs can be a pain in the ass but let's take a step back and really think about that statement. Okay, so the first part is fine because I totally believe in following your passion. However, I don't know if it is smart to just up and quit your job because it does not align with your passion at the moment. You can always work your current gig and do your passion on the side until it becomes a full-fledged business for yourself. I think that is a nice way to follow your passion without going broke and hungry. I mean, the bills won't just disappear no matter how much we wish we can make those go away which leads me to my next point.

Law of attraction can only work if you work.

Another message that I see being pushed in the "new age" world is the law of attraction. I believe that the law of attraction is real and can work to our benefit. In fact, as I am writing this, I am on my way to a friend's house to create a vision board for the new year so that I can visualize my future with nice imagery. However, I know that you cannot just will things into your life by this superpower "law of attraction." The Universe still requires you to pursue the goals you set in order for the attraction to work. In other words, law of attraction can only work if you work. I feel that very important part of hard work is oftentimes missing from the law of attraction rhetoric and it is probably one of the most vital parts of making the law of attraction work in your life so yes, use law of attraction but be ready to work your ass off too!

In conclusion, if you are not careful with certain aspects of new age ideology, you will be fucked up and wonder what happened. Just keep balance in mind when raising your frequency, aligning your chakras and meditating on your future. All your dreams can come true but it takes a lot of focused energy, time, discipline, hard work and belief in self. So like my girl, Janelle Monae says, just stay on the tightrope and be balanced my fellow "new age" friends!

So, if you read this whole thing and still want to curse me out, please feel free do to so in the comments section below. Also, if you have anything you wish to add to this conversation, I'd love to hear from you as well. Let's talk about it!